the times they are a-changin’.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m going through this phase of panicked ambivalence towards having kids. On the one hand, I know I want to have kids, that’s not really the question. But on the other hand, I’m petrified about how it will change my life, and all the freedom I’ll have to give up. I’m just not ready yet, which would be fine if my clock weren’t tick-tocking over here. I don’t have to have them now, but it’s right around the corner. And this is causing no small amount of stress for me.
This weekend we went to visit some friends, and we were only one of two couples who don’t have kids. Normally I’m a little cranky when it comes to kids. I also tend to feel like every time we all hang out, it will be the last time, because at any moment everyone is officially going to become too busy to make time for friendship, and Greg and I are going to be left out in the cold. But actually this time I felt pretty optimistic. I just thought I’d share a little excerpt from my personal journal, because writing this just made me feel really good…
“I had this moment when I was watching Erik with his little guy Jakob, and everyone was hanging out and laughing, and the kids were enjoying themselves, and I thought, ‘Maybe this will work. Maybe we will stay together as friends after all, through all the family stuff, and still have fun. Maybe kids add to the fun instead of detracting.’ For a minute it felt like being in Montauk at Tony & Eileen’s house when I was little, where everyone would hang out and enjoy themselves, and it was a good combination of family time and adult time in one. And for that moment I was really hopeful for the future, and I felt like we were all together as one big family and it was a sort of amazing warm & fuzzy feeling. “
it’s like riding a bicycle
Although I don’t think I’ve gotten on a bike in probably two years, I did ok tonight. It was probably the fourth time I’ve ever practiced, and I was surprised at how quickly I was able to pick up where I left off. I still have a long way to go as far as feeling comfortable, but I’m able to start much more easily, and go for a considerable amount of time without getting nervous and skidding to a stop. I’m also getting a little better at steering.
The issue is that I feel more comfortable when my feet have better contact with the ground, but that means the seat needs to be down so low that my knees have to come up super high, which makes for a wobbly ride, and the tight jeans I was wearing didn’t help my leg mobility at all. At some point I need to make the switch to a bike that fits me better (I’ve been riding Greg’s BMX). But I have a feeling that I might take a couple of spills if I can’t touch the ground that well.
Still, making great progress toward a goal that I was beginning to think I’d never be able to reach!
peek a boo
I need to start posting on this here blog again. I’ve been tumbling and twitting and facebooking, but sometimes I miss writing in more than just snippets.
I’m very close to opening an Etsy shop. Nothing too fantastic to start, but it’s definitely been a big goal of mine and what with my recent obsession with sewing, the two seem to go hand in hand. I actually woke up at 5:30am and laid in bed thinking how much I’d like to go upstairs and sew. Unfortunately with our creaky floors and my loud machine, it didn’t seem right to do to Greg. So I waited until he got up at 6:30 and then went up and sewed. I am such a geek.
Someone on the other side of my desk has the most amazing smelling bouquet of flowers, it almost makes me not want to go home.
Truth be told, I’ve been having an existential crisis the past few months, that’s probably why I haven’t blogged. I’m just trying to figure some big things out, but the big things become even bigger and bigger in my head, and then I just can’t deal.
Casey’s coming for a visit next week!! I’m so excited, I haven’t seen her in aaaages and I really miss her. I’m not too much of a phone person, and email is simply no substitute for our banter, so I’m wondering how we’re possibly going to hit every important topic in the short few days that she’s here.
small triumphs
I’ve decided that doing small things that you can feel good about is sort of handy. I mean *really* small things. Things that really aren’t even worth blogging about, but that I’m going to blog about anyway, because that’s what blogs are for.
Small triumphs for today:
- picking up some trash in the street in front of my house (which I should always do anyway but sometimes I’m lazy)
- eating my oatmeal despite the strong desire to get a bagel
ready or not, here I sew
I might be a bit naive, but I just ordered this pattern from Betsy Ross. Am I ready to make an actual, wearable dress? Probably not, but it will be an adventure, anyway.
from “leaves of grass”
When I Read the Book
When I read the book, the biography famous,
And is this then (said I) what the author calls a man’s life?
And so will some one when I am dead and gone write my life?
(As if any man really knew aught of my life,
Why even I myself I often think know little or nothing of my real life,
Only a few hints, a few diffused faint clews and indirections
I seek for my own use to trace out here.)
——–
I’m currently getting Leaves of Grass through DailyLit, and I just sort of liked this one.
