the times they are a-changin’.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m going through this phase of panicked ambivalence towards having kids. On the one hand, I know I want to have kids, that’s not really the question. But on the other hand, I’m petrified about how it will change my life, and all the freedom I’ll have to give up. I’m just not ready yet, which would be fine if my clock weren’t tick-tocking over here. I don’t have to have them now, but it’s right around the corner. And this is causing no small amount of stress for me.

This weekend we went to visit some friends, and we were only one of two couples who don’t have kids. Normally I’m a little cranky when it comes to kids. I also tend to feel like every time we all hang out, it will be the last time, because at any moment everyone is officially going to become too busy to make time for friendship, and Greg and I are going to be left out in the cold. But actually this time I felt pretty optimistic. I just thought I’d share a little excerpt from my personal journal, because writing this just made me feel really good…

“I had this moment when I was watching Erik with his little guy Jakob, and everyone was hanging out and laughing, and the kids were enjoying themselves, and I thought, ‘Maybe this will work. Maybe we will stay together as friends after all, through all the family stuff, and still have fun. Maybe kids add to the fun instead of detracting.’ For a minute it felt like being in Montauk at Tony & Eileen’s house when I was little, where everyone would hang out and enjoy themselves, and it was a good combination of family time and adult time in one. And for that moment I was really hopeful for the future, and I felt like we were all together as one big family and it was a sort of amazing warm & fuzzy feeling. “