the times they are a-changin’.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m going through this phase of panicked ambivalence towards having kids. On the one hand, I know I want to have kids, that’s not really the question. But on the other hand, I’m petrified about how it will change my life, and all the freedom I’ll have to give up. I’m just not ready yet, which would be fine if my clock weren’t tick-tocking over here. I don’t have to have them now, but it’s right around the corner. And this is causing no small amount of stress for me.
This weekend we went to visit some friends, and we were only one of two couples who don’t have kids. Normally I’m a little cranky when it comes to kids. I also tend to feel like every time we all hang out, it will be the last time, because at any moment everyone is officially going to become too busy to make time for friendship, and Greg and I are going to be left out in the cold. But actually this time I felt pretty optimistic. I just thought I’d share a little excerpt from my personal journal, because writing this just made me feel really good…
“I had this moment when I was watching Erik with his little guy Jakob, and everyone was hanging out and laughing, and the kids were enjoying themselves, and I thought, ‘Maybe this will work. Maybe we will stay together as friends after all, through all the family stuff, and still have fun. Maybe kids add to the fun instead of detracting.’ For a minute it felt like being in Montauk at Tony & Eileen’s house when I was little, where everyone would hang out and enjoy themselves, and it was a good combination of family time and adult time in one. And for that moment I was really hopeful for the future, and I felt like we were all together as one big family and it was a sort of amazing warm & fuzzy feeling. “
from “leaves of grass”
When I Read the Book
When I read the book, the biography famous,
And is this then (said I) what the author calls a man’s life?
And so will some one when I am dead and gone write my life?
(As if any man really knew aught of my life,
Why even I myself I often think know little or nothing of my real life,
Only a few hints, a few diffused faint clews and indirections
I seek for my own use to trace out here.)
——–
I’m currently getting Leaves of Grass through DailyLit, and I just sort of liked this one.
snow! snow! and more snow!
How sad am I that I’m too busy at work these days to take a day off in honor of the snow? It’s driving Porter crazy that we can’t let him off his leash to go nuts, and I’d love to take him to a big field somewhere and let him loose. Of course, we’d probably never get him back, what with the combination of snow and the fact that he hasn’t quite mastered the “come” command yet. But alas, I’m sitting here at my desk with wet feet from my cheap Target boots. As a consolation, I’d love to go sledding after work, but of course tonight has to be our training class. Why can’t it snow over the weekend? It’s probably all for the best anyway, as I seem to be coming down with a cold and shouldn’t push my luck out there.
I’m not a big Fresh Air listener normally, but I happened to tune in yesterday afternoon and caught Antony from Antony & The Johnsons. I liked him before, but this interview really clinched it. He has such a crazy speaking voice but he says the most beautiful things, I just want to give him a hug.
I had a dream last night that I went back to school to become a therapist. Maybe that’s a sign.
patriotism is the new black
Mom’s doing great, FYI. Much better than I had anticipated. When I went to the hospital to see her yesterday, I walked into the room and she was lying on the bed with her eyes closed, and I had this nerve-wracking moment where I looked around and saw the drab impersonal hospital room, IV towers, crazy machines, and my mom in a gown propped up in this huge hospital bed, and got a little panicked. I whispered very quietly, “Mom?” And she jumped up and exclaimed, “HI!!!” all peppy and excited to see me. It was like that moment where Willy Wonka walks out of the chocolate factory all serious and moody and everyone looks so confused, and then he does the somersault and the crowd goes wild. I stayed for a half hour or so, and she was totally great, like nothing had changed.
In other news, I have decided on a new law that the government should impose. I don’t think that any corporation should be allowed to use the American flag in an advertisement. I think it’s really disgusting that companies try to make it seem like using their product is the patriotic thing to do. Case in point: Pepsi.
This commercial has the double whammy of exploiting Bob Dylan AND Old Glory. Of course that’s just Bob selling out. Although I guess secretly I do think this commercial is kind of neat.
And…..Et tu, Conan?
On the SuperBowl upside, Bruce kicks it.
mood enhancers
My mom’s in surgery right now, so please send some good vibes her way…
Still feeling pretty good today, despite being a little nervous about my mom. I feel bad because my dad called to give me an update, and I sort of rushed him off the phone. I don’t know why, maybe because his voice sounded a little weird and I didn’t want him to start crying, because that’s always very awkward. I can’t decide whether it would have been better to let him cry or if it was good that I didn’t get too emotional on the phone either so he can maybe still hold it together. My mom’s never had real surgery before, and now that she is, it’s a pretty major one, so I think he’s probably on edge. I think I’m doing ok because I’m here at work and not at the hospital waiting around, and I’ve sort of just convinced myself that the surgery itself isn’t really a big deal, it’s the recovery that will be hard. Anyway, I’m going up to New York tomorrow to see her, so I think it will all become a little more concrete to me at that point.
Last night was fun, a bunch of us went out with Casey, and even though I of course got to talk to her for all of fifteen minutes, it was really good just to be around some nice ladies who I like a lot. Casey was always sort of the glue that held everyone together, like the common factor between everyone, so since she’s been gone I haven’t been seeing these people nearly as much. But after last night I’m really going to try to make an effort to plan things with them, and they seemed to feel the same way. Again, good practice in getting over that feeling that people will be weirded out if I ask them to hang out.
I did get to see Casey again this morning, she had to kill the day waiting around for someone to pick her up, so I told her she could use my house as a home base, and she came early enough that I got to see her for a bit before I left for work. Man do I love that girl, she is a total mood enhancer. She’s just one of those people who is so good at making you feel good about yourself. Personally I’m terrible with that, with telling people that I like them and complimenting them on things. It’s not that I don’t admire plenty of people, I just don’t voice it like she does. But I think that’s a big part of why everyone loves her, she just makes you feel good to be around her. I need to take some lessons from her.
so good, so good, cause I’ve got _______
I feel really good today. It might be because I’m going out with some nice ladies tonight to celebrate Casey’s visit (who I’m really really excited to see because I’m realizing just how much I miss her), or it might be because I have a renewed sense of worth at my job after a somewhat good talk with my boss yesterday, or it could be that I’ve had a lot of really nice social interactions today, or it could be that my mom’s surgery is tomorrow so we can stop all this waiting around, or it could be that I’m so lucky to have such a nice husband, especially after listening to everyone else bitch about their crappy boyfriends, or it could be that the sun is shining. But whatever the reason, I feel good. Very lucky and very good.
change is good
This weekend was pretty great. We got Indian food Friday night and watched some 30 Rock and Arrested Development. Saturday we took Porter hiking at Wissahickon, went to see my boyfriend Ira Glass at the Kimmel Center (a Christmas gift from Greg), and I ate a pretty delicious burger at Nodding Head – bleu cheese & caramelized leeks. Oh man, I wish I was eating it right now. Sunday was lazy but productive. We had some dog park time, read some magazines, I cleaned the refrigerator for the first time since we bought it over a year ago (yes, I’m gross), used my food processor for the first time to make pesto, and watched a DVD of a talk that the Dalai Lama gave. All in all, for the first time in a while, it was a weekend that I didn’t look back at as having been wasted.
This is going to sound both dumb and perhaps a bit early to be saying this, but I’m pretty excited about my positivity epiphany. It’s only been since Thursday, but I’m really trying my best to focus on being content and it feels really good. I’m trying to be kinder to Greg, less judgmental of people, and just taking things one step at a time. When I catch myself thinking mean thoughts or casting judgement on someone, I try to stop myself and say that it’s their life, and I wouldn’t want someone imposing their opinions on me. I even managed to talk to my sister for like a half hour last night with almost no negativity.
I think another part of this whole thing is that I need to start realizing that life isn’t unchangeable. I tend to have this feeling of inertia, where my life and everything in it is an enormous boulder that’s already started rolling down hill and there’s no way to stop it now, it can only go in the direction that I pushed it initially. And I’m realizing that’s just total crap. There’s absolutely no reason to think that things can’t be changed, sometimes you just have to get over the initial fear and embarrassment of making the change. And I think I’m beginning to understand that half the battle is actually honestly believing in yourself that you can change. Believing in myself has never been my strong suit, but I’m trying.
swimming elephants always make me happy
Pretty much any elephants make me happy, but especially swimming ones…
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