the times they are a-changin’.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m going through this phase of panicked ambivalence towards having kids. On the one hand, I know I want to have kids, that’s not really the question. But on the other hand, I’m petrified about how it will change my life, and all the freedom I’ll have to give up. I’m just not ready yet, which would be fine if my clock weren’t tick-tocking over here. I don’t have to have them now, but it’s right around the corner. And this is causing no small amount of stress for me.

This weekend we went to visit some friends, and we were only one of two couples who don’t have kids. Normally I’m a little cranky when it comes to kids. I also tend to feel like every time we all hang out, it will be the last time, because at any moment everyone is officially going to become too busy to make time for friendship, and Greg and I are going to be left out in the cold. But actually this time I felt pretty optimistic. I just thought I’d share a little excerpt from my personal journal, because writing this just made me feel really good…

“I had this moment when I was watching Erik with his little guy Jakob, and everyone was hanging out and laughing, and the kids were enjoying themselves, and I thought, ‘Maybe this will work. Maybe we will stay together as friends after all, through all the family stuff, and still have fun. Maybe kids add to the fun instead of detracting.’ For a minute it felt like being in Montauk at Tony & Eileen’s house when I was little, where everyone would hang out and enjoy themselves, and it was a good combination of family time and adult time in one. And for that moment I was really hopeful for the future, and I felt like we were all together as one big family and it was a sort of amazing warm & fuzzy feeling. “

peek a boo

I need to start posting on this here blog again. I’ve been tumbling and twitting and facebooking, but sometimes I miss writing in more than just snippets.

I’m very close to opening an Etsy shop. Nothing too fantastic to start, but it’s definitely been a big goal of mine and what with my recent obsession with sewing, the two seem to go hand in hand. I actually woke up at 5:30am and laid in bed thinking how much I’d like to go upstairs and sew. Unfortunately with our creaky floors and my loud machine, it didn’t seem right to do to Greg. So I waited until he got up at 6:30 and then went up and sewed. I am such a geek.

Someone on the other side of my desk has the most amazing smelling bouquet of flowers, it almost makes me not want to go home.

Truth be told, I’ve been having an existential crisis the past few months, that’s probably why I haven’t blogged. I’m just trying to figure some big things out, but the big things become even bigger and bigger in my head, and then I just can’t deal.

Casey’s coming for a visit next week!! I’m so excited, I haven’t seen her in aaaages and I really miss her. I’m not too much of a phone person, and email is simply no substitute for our banter, so I’m wondering how we’re possibly going to hit every important topic in the short few days that she’s here.

ready or not, here I sew

I might be a bit naive, but I just ordered this pattern from Betsy Ross. Am I ready to make an actual, wearable dress? Probably not, but it will be an adventure, anyway.

change is good

This weekend was pretty great.  We got Indian food Friday night and watched some 30 Rock and Arrested Development.  Saturday we took Porter hiking at Wissahickon, went to see my boyfriend Ira Glass at the Kimmel Center (a Christmas gift from Greg), and I ate a pretty delicious burger at Nodding Head – bleu cheese & caramelized leeks.  Oh man, I wish I was eating it right now.  Sunday was lazy but productive.  We had some dog park time, read some magazines, I cleaned the refrigerator for the first time since we bought it over a year ago (yes, I’m gross), used my food processor for the first time to make pesto, and watched a DVD of a talk that the Dalai Lama gave.  All in all, for the first time in a while, it was a weekend that I didn’t look back at as having been wasted.

This is going to sound both dumb and perhaps a bit early to be saying this, but I’m pretty excited about my positivity epiphany.  It’s only been since Thursday, but I’m really trying my best to focus on being content and it feels really good.  I’m trying to be kinder to Greg, less judgmental of people, and just taking things one step at a time.  When I catch myself thinking mean thoughts or casting judgement on someone, I try to stop myself and say that it’s their life, and I wouldn’t want someone imposing their opinions on me.  I even managed to talk to my sister for like a half hour last night with almost no negativity.

I think another part of this whole thing is that I need to start realizing that life isn’t unchangeable.  I tend to have this feeling of inertia, where my life and everything in it is an enormous boulder that’s already started rolling down hill and there’s no way to stop it now, it can only go in the direction that I pushed it initially.  And I’m realizing that’s just total crap.  There’s absolutely no reason to think that things can’t be changed, sometimes you just have to get over the initial fear and embarrassment of making the change.  And I think I’m beginning to understand that half the battle is actually honestly believing in yourself that you can change.  Believing in myself has never been my strong suit, but I’m trying.

you’ve got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive

After a partial meltdown yesterday and a long discussion with Greg, I realize that I have absolutely got to let go of my negativity. I know I’m going through some tough times with my family and my job at the moment, but I can’t let it spread to every area of my life, and I can’t let it come between my husband and I.

The worst part about this whole thing is that Greg used to be a very positive person, and I feel like I’ve dragged him down to my level. Together we’ve become this force of negativity, and it’s a good possibility that this is what could be hurting our social life. Who wants to hang out with a couple who does nothing but bitch about everything and always looks at the bad side of every situation? Nothing ever becomes more legitimate to me than when Greg says it, and when he said last night that he thinks we’ve become incredibly negative and no one wants to be around us, I was like, “Oh my God, you’re right!” I hadn’t put two and two together until that point, but it suddenly made so much sense and scared me straight.

So here’s the thing, how do we become more positive? I feel like my entire life has been focused on negativity, because my entire family is really negative. It’s not really normal for me to act like everything is great and be accepting of everyone because I’ve never been brought up with that mindset. But the point is, I’m 30 now and I need to be my own person. I’m not trying to blame it on my family, I’m more just trying to recognize where this impulse comes from so I can deal with it.

I think the most important thing for us to become healthier, more positive people is to get out and do things, and stop just sitting in the house and stewing in our own bitterness. Right now we have nothing good to talk about or focus on, because we don’t do much. So I need to get over my anger towards Old Man Winter and do something besides just laying on the couch under a blanket, waiting for the weather to warm up.

Our time on earth is incredibly short, and at this point I’ve spent entirely too much of it focusing on the worst parts. So here goes nothing!

See more progress on: be more positive

where were you when….

I brought a tiny TV into work so we could watch the inauguration, since they didn’t really want us taking down the whole company network by streaming it. So a bunch of people gathered in my area to watch. Just as Joe Biden was being sworn in, I got an email from a sort of high-up woman over in the department across the hall, saying something to the effect of, “I love that you’re watching your tv, but people are complaining, so can you turn it down?”

I think that instantaneously ruined the whole thing for me. For at least a good five minutes I couldn’t focus on anything but my rage and disbelief that after having the TV on for five minutes someone was already complaining. The funny thing is, there were like seven or eight people over here watching it, one of whom was my boss, the tv was not loud at all, and it’s the only time my area has probably ever made any noise. Meanwhile we sit through her team shrieking and giggling over every stupid little thing, and listening to someone’s shitty iPod on repeat, and we’ve never said anything at all.

I was sooooo incredibly tempted to respond something like, “Oh sorry, I thought maybe people would want to be able to see the the country’s first African American president, a man who millions of people love and revere and voted for, sworn into office on this incredibly significant day in American history. Guess I was wrong! Sorry if I made it slightly difficult for you to concentrate on writing purchase orders for overpriced clothing. My bad! I’ll turn it off immediately.” Alas, I’d probably get in trouble for that one, so I opted to ignore the email instead.

The worst thing is that it caught me right in the middle of an incredibly momentous and positive occasion, and threw me into a tizzy. Of course, that’s probably my fault that I couldn’t just shrug it off, but it was just such a downer.

This is what I hate about my job. I hate that everyone thinks we all work for a charitable nonprofit organization or something. They all act like they’d take a bullet for this company, and everything else comes second. I’m sorry if I just can’t muster that sort of loyalty. I’d rather work to live, not live to work.

Ugh.

In any event, I can’t believe we can finally drop the “elect” and start saying “President Obama.” I feel like the election was so long ago that it’s been hard for me to remember that he hadn’t yet become the president.

Watching the lead-up to the ceremony, where all the notables were arriving and the presidential limo was making the slow trip to the capitol building, I couldn’t help but rekindle what I felt right before I got married. Those few minutes before, when the anticipation is almost unbearably high and your heart is pounding and your stomach is flipping. Your whole life is laid out in front of you, and you’re saying goodbye to the old you. I remember turning to my parents, who were standing there waiting with me to walk me down the “aisle” (or the sand dune, as it were), and I said, “I love you guys, thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me.” And I started to cry. It was the first and only time I cried all day. And then the moment comes and you have to walk out and know that all eyes are on you.

So anyway, if that’s how I felt in front of a hundred people, I can’t even imagine how it must feel to go out in front of probably a billion people and take over as leader of the free world. Clearly it must be a little nerve wracking, because even calm cool and collected Obama flubbed his lines a bit when taking the oath.

For a while, I was mainly excited about the idea of just having a good person in the White House who will hopefully steer the American people away from greed and towards positivity, but on a day like today I can’t help thinking about how completely amazing it is that 40-something years ago black people couldn’t drink from the same water fountain as white people. I mean, my parents were in their 20’s for pete’s sake, this is not ancient history by any means. And today a black man is president of the United States. Absolutely incredible.

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room

Well, what an amazing day.  ‘nuf said.

I absolutely love that Tom Brokaw referred to Dick Cheney as looking like Dr. Strangelove in his wheelchair.  I was thinking Old Man Potter, but this works even better.  Let’s just be thankful someone finally took the doomsday device away from him.

that thing that carries my brain from place to place

I feel like in the past year, I’ve completely lost track of my body. Not just my weight, but the whole thing. It’s amazing how you would think that your body would be at the forefront of your mind, considering you’re with it so much. Like, always. But somehow it’s very easy to ignore it, to just look straight ahead and get lost in your mind and the outside world, forgetting that big thing that’s chauffeuring your little brain around.

So aside from the whole “reach my goal weight” goal, which is somewhat different, here is what it would mean for me to take better care of my body:

- eat healthier, with way more fruits and veggies
- take vitamin supplements
- deal with my gross feet
- stretch and/or do yoga to get my body more flexible
- exercise and tone up
- drink more water
- exfoliate and moisturize
- get a facial
- stop letting my legs get like wooly mammoths
- get manicures

I’d just really like to get to know my body again and stop pretending that it doesn’t exist.

See more progress on: take better care of my body

when good resolutions go bad

Two of my resolutions, “wake up when my alarm clock goes off” and “do yoga in the morning” were accomplished today.  Actually, the “do yoga in the morning” isn’t so much a resolution as a whim that I came up with this weekend when I picked up a yoga mat and “Wake Up with Yoga” dvd.  In any event, I’ve been feeling incredibly tense all the time, so I thought if I could start my day off right it might help me ease into my sure-to-be-terrible-and-soul-crushing day.

So here’s how it went.  I bought a new alarm clock this weekend, one of those fancy cd-playing dealies.  In my search for an upbeat album to wake up to, I had grabbed Odelay by Beck.  I set both of our alarms to wake up to this – Greg’s at 6:15 and mine at 7.  The thing is, I hadn’t really thought about the concept of being jarred awake by the sudden harsh and loud guitar line of “Devil’s Haircut.”  Bad decision.  Hitting snooze 3 times didn’t help either, as we went through the same startled awakening 3 times in a row.  By the third time I was too tense to go back to sleep, so I got up when Greg did.

Ok, perfect, it’s now 6:45 so I’ll go down and do yoga.  I climb out of my toasty bed and down into the pitch black and arctic living room with my yoga mat and dvd.  As soon as I start the first poses, I suddenly realize just how creaky our floors are.  “Just relaaaax..”  CRRREEEAAAKKKKK “and feel the quiet atmosphere…” ccccreeEAAAaKKkkkkkkkk “focus on the sound of your breathing…” CCrrrrreeeeAAAAAAKKKKK”.  I could barely hear the instructor.

The other unpleasant thing of course is that I haven’t exercised in a ridiculous amount of time, so at this point I can barely even bend over.  My body isn’t exactly as supple and flexible as it once was.  Not to mention, every time I do bend over, the hood on my hooded sweatshirt flops over and hits me in the head.

Meanwhile, Greg, who had been in the shower, heard the tv and comes downstairs completely startled to see me standing there in downward facing dog.  Irritated by his shock, I said, “Oh please,  who would be down in our living room at 6:45 in the morning?”  to which he replied, “Not you.”  Touche.  Anyway, so now he’s stomping around upstairs on the creaking floor in his dress shoes, which may as well be wooden clogs.  I think the first thing Greg does every morning is put his dress shoes on.  I swear he must shower in them and put his pants on over them, because I feel like it’s always a good half hour of back and forth, back and forth, cloppity clop, cloppity clop, while I’m trying to sleep, or in this case have a relaxing and quiet yoga session.

So now he comes downstairs and starts asking me about what I’m doing, to which I quietly and quickly reply, “Leave me alone!  I’m doing yoga!”

Poor Greg, it’s not his fault that I’m pissed at myself because I can’t touch my toes anymore and we have a freezing cold and creaky-floored house through which sound echoes.

In any event, I think I started out my day even worse than if I had just rolled out of bed in a panic at 8:15.  I guess that’s what yoga and waking up early will do to you.

I really need a vacation, or a massage.  Or a massage while on vacation.  And perhaps some valium, or at the very least some pot.

personal ads are not just for losers, i swear

I was browsing through Craigslist at the “strictly platonic” personals, just to see what was there. I think no one seems to understand what the word “platonic” means because most of them have something to do with some sort of sexual activity. I’m also suspicious of m4w platonic ads, because if you’re a man, why are you specifically looking for a woman to do platonic things with? Shouldn’t it not matter? Like why does a man need a swimming buddy who is a woman if sex is not part of the deal?

Anyway, a girl posted something about finding other girlfriends, and she seemed pretty like-minded, so I replied to see if she wants to try to get together. We’ll see what happens. Every time I’ve been “set up” with someone as a potential friend, it never seems to work out. On the other hand, I don’t seem to be having any success with developing friendships organically, so I might as well give this another try. There’s got to be some halfway cool girl out there whose roster of friends isn’t completely full already.

See more progress on: have more friends