maybe I’m wrong

Apparently posting about how I have no friends makes people mysteriously want to hang out with me.  I spent time with four different sets of friends this weekend involving various pretty fun activities, with another friend date on Thursday.  Problem solved?!?!  Nah, I’m still a loser.

Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week

You know that movie I Love You, Man? Well my life is basically a not-as-hilarious version of that.  I do have some friends, although mainly they’re G’s friends and their wives, who are basically my friends by extension.  I work with a bunch of pretty fun people whom I sometimes go out for drinks with, although that’s mainly random weeknights here and there.  What I don’t have in my life is a Jason Segel – someone I can call on the phone to go thrift shopping with on a Saturday afternoon, or watch The Notebook, or have a craft date, or just get coffee.  It’s been years, maybe even since high school, since I’ve had an actual close circle of girlfriends.  And I’m beginning to think that old wives tale statistic about “you’re more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to get married past the age of 40″ also applies to making friends past the age of 23. Am I crazy? Does anyone else in the world have this problem?  

But I’m working on it. I try to take any opportunities that come my way. And just when I was starting to feel blue I wound up with the potential for plans with four different people this weekend. It’s just a little hard for me to seal the deal – that moment when that “casual acquaintance” moves into the realm of “friend who might actually ask you to hang out on a somewhat regular basis.” I think I come off as kind of a loner, which I basically am at this point.
But it just tends to feel like I’m on the outside looking in, and I’m not sure how to change that.

I’m also totally out of practice with just being normal around people. Every time I hang out with someone it feels like some sort of weird first date and I wind up trying to make the case for why I would be a good person to start a relationship with. Only then they never call. I’m sure that makes me pretty attractive as a potential friend.

This all sounds rather pathetic, but I’m not a *total* charity case, because then there’s the element of, is this person right for *me*? That’s actually the toughest thing, because in the absence of a large group of people to fulfill all of your different needs, you wind up looking for the one perfect silver-bullet friend. Someone who likes the bands I like and also likes to do creative stuff (but not *too* creative or then they’re out of my league), and someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of Seinfeld and The Simpsons but who also listens to NPR and reads serious books. Oh and maybe doing some outdoorsy kind of stuff. And with a killer sense of humor. No biggie, right?

A lot of time I wind up putting effort into people who turn out to be kind of meh. But I try to remind myself that everyone isn’t going to be my best friend, and sometimes all I really want is just someone to break up the monotony. But I have to admit, it would be nice to have that feeling again that there’s someone out there who truly cares and would go the distance for you, not because they’ve chosen you as a partner for life, or because you’re related, but just because they love you as a friend.

I can’t see the florist for the flowers

The past few years everything I read seems to emphasize the importance of getting enjoyment out of the seemingly banal moments of everyday life.  I guess it’s a very Buddhist way of looking at things – living in the moment, not getting bogged down with stress and multitasking, etc.  I’ve become adept at this, actually.  My days tend to be pretty enjoyable on the whole.  I come home, I go to the grocery store, I make dinner, we take the dog for walks, go out with friends, clean the house.  It’s all so pleasant, and my stress levels have gone down tremendously.  When I have family stress, I focus on my life here and how thankful I am that it’s so easy for me – no kids yet, no financial strain, a laid-back lifestyle, a neighborhood we love, a relatively enjoyable workplace.  And it works, I actually feel happy.  

Then I stop, and think, but where *am* I?  Sure, I’ve been happy for a while, but where has this “living in the moment” really taken me?  I haven’t considered my career much.  No big trips on the horizon.  No kids.  No projects that I’ve worked on.  It’s all just been fluff, and hasn’t built up into anything – just a bunch of pleasant but random days strung together.  Too much micro, not enough macro.

I look at something like the video I posted last time, and I think, see, THAT guy has a project.  Sure he’s lived his daily life, but he’s also worked on something that has built up into a tangible body of work that he can look back and and feel good about.  He’s enjoyed the small stuff with an eye on the big stuff.  

I need to work this out, how to enjoy my days but remember to be conscious of the big picture.  And I guess maybe the question then is, what IS the big picture?  Is the big picture general daily happiness, or long-term goals?  I know, I know, I’m sure the answer is “it’s both.”  But with all this attention to detail I’ve lost my ability to multitask.  

the great outdoors! with showers!

Last weekend was a much more successful camping trip than the one we did two years ago. We were far more prepared, with good food and conveniences. I think camping is a learning experience, and each time you get better at it. The campground was pretty nice – clean bathrooms with showers and a little area to wash your dishes. Here is what we did better this time:

- we went to Target and bought a big rubbermaid bin to keep all our camping supplies in, along with a bunch of other stuff that will live in the bin permanently
- some of the supplies include some malamine dishes, a jar of sugar, a jar of coffee, salt and pepper shakers, a set of silverware, a small box of plastic silverware, ziploc bags in various sizes, tin foil, plastic wrap, tongs, napkins, a roll of paper towels, candles, a few garbage bags, bug spray, and antibacterial hand wipes
- i made a big batch of potato salad and brought a bagged salad mix and we just had burgers one night and sausages the next night. for breakfast we ate cereal out of tupperware containers. very simple.

My favorite and proudest moment of preparation was bringing a french press! It was so lovely to wake up and have coffee. Of course we don’t have a propane stove or anything, so I came up with the ingenious idea of bringing a small kettle and heating the water over 3 little jarred candles pushed together. It took a good 20 minutes to heat the water, but it was so worth it to enjoy a little taste of dark roast in the great outdoors. It felt like a lovely luxury.

The one thing we didn’t anticipate were the flies! They were terrible. One of the people camping near us said they always bring Yard Guard spray and spray down the campsite. Not particularly environmentally friendly I suppose, but the flies were really enough to drive you insane at times.

We also forgot to bring games! We wound up buying a deck of cards, but next time we’ll bring our travel Scrabble set.

The lighting situation wasn’t that great – all we had were 2 small battery powered lanterns, a few candles and a couple of flashlights. Next time I might bring a string of lanterns to hang from a tree, since a lot of camp sites have electrical outlets.

All in all a good time was had by all. We talked about going again in July, hopefully it won’t be too hot. I’d also love to get some friends together to go, I think it would really make it more fun.

See more progress on: go camping

new (nerdy) blood

Here’s an example of why I like the new girl who works for me:

Me: “Yeah, the power went out and I had to read by candle light.”

New Girl: “What are you reading?”

Me: “A book about Magellan.”

New Girl: “Oh that’s cool.”

The other girls who worked for me would have probably rolled their eyes and IM’d something snarky to each other about how I think I’m so high and mighty. But you know what? Magellan WAS pretty cool. You know why? HE CIRCUMNAVIGATED THE FUCKING GLOBE IN 1520. Well, up to the point where his crew murdered him he died in a ridiculous skirmish with natives, but still. No GPS, no electricity, and no actual accurate maps. They didn’t even have BEDS for heaven’s sake. I don’t think anyone on the show “16 and Pregnant” has ever done that, have they? So yeah, Magellan was pretty cool.

mom

Mom, even though you don’t read this (and I’d be mortified if you did), I just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day, and I’m sorry I didn’t see you today, and didn’t even send you a card. Considering how close I came to losing you last year, that’s pretty shitty of me. But life gets in the way, suddenly it’s Thursday and there’s no way a card would get there in time, you know how it is.

I know she’s not reading this, but I just felt the need to say that I love my mom. I love my mom a scary amount. Even though the rational adult in me knows that she’s got a lot of issues, and even though she’s said some pretty hurtful things to me when I was young and impressionable, I’m still more devoted to her than anyone, even probably Greg. There’s something about the way my mom loves me that’s beyond anything someone who’s not my mom would be capable of. I like to think that she and I have a special relationship, because we’re both the youngest of four, we’re both very sensitive and introspective, and I was so much younger than everyone else that it was like she and I were alone together for a long time.

When my mom sees me, she gives me such a hug. She holds me and rocks me back and forth and tells me that I’m a sight for sore eyes. She randomly comes over and puts her arms around me and tells me she loves me and that it’s so good to see me. My dad told me one time that when they came down to visit, right after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she cried in the car on the way home because she said she just can’t stand to leave me. He started crying just telling me that. Every time I leave her I have to try my hardest to hold it together, because I feel the same way. And there’s no comparing the way it feels to be loved like that – completely and openly unashamedly.

So Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you probably more than you know, and I think about you all the time, and I wish you lived down the street so I could see you all the time, and I’m sorry that I’m such a shitty daughter that I didn’t even send you a card.

a summer wasting

I’m having a bad day. I just feel overwhelmed, run down, unattractive, friendless, old, and going nowhere. Work is just so busy lately, I’d give anything for a day off. Even worse is that feeling I get when the weather turns warm, like I just can’t face another summer wasting away at a desk breathing artificial air.

My job is sort of getting to me. Not because of being busy, although that’s part if it – my company tends to be split between people who work nonstop until 7 every night and people that don’t seem to have any discernible workload, and I unfortunately am in the former category. But really I’m losing my interest in the web and technology. I’m expected to chime in about new functionality and web standards and blah blah blah, and I just don’t care anymore.

Overall I tend to have this feeling of panic about technological progression and general consumerism. Don’t get me wrong, I love the internet, I like neat gadgets, but where does it end? Everything is always being forced to progress – companies have to make more and more profit, sell more shit to more people who don’t need it and can’t afford it, come up with new ways to distract people from interacting with the world on a real level, and push the competition out of the picture. There’s never a moment where anyone says, “This is good, we’re at a good spot right now, let’s just sit back and enjoy.”

The nature of my job is that I’m expected to be thinking of the next big thing that’s going to increase profits, keeping up with changing web technology, being in love with the brand. It’s not really acceptable to just do a good day’s work so you can get paid and go do something fun at the end of the day. Time off is sort of frowned upon here, just like actually taking a lunch break or leaving before 6pm. Half the time taking any time off is barely worth it because of the stress of getting everything ready before you leave and then catching up when you get back, and the chances are pretty good that I’ll get any number of panicked phone calls while I’m away.

Is it so wrong of me to want to live a life of leisure, or to admit that I enjoy my time away more than my time at work? I’d really love to have some sort of job where I’m actually doing something meaningful, or at the very least at the end of the day have something to show for it. I’m not afraid of hard work, just pointless hard work.

See more progress on: be more positive

slacking is a good thing

How I should have spent today is by doing the shitload of work I need to get done. How I did spend today was by walking up to Washington Square Park, laying out my blanket, reading a book, then stopping by the Pope on the way home and enjoying an alfresco beer and some more reading. I would say I probably made the right choice, although I might think differently Monday morning. Note to self: Reading books in the park should be a weekend requirement for the rest of this summer.

happy new year, i don’t wanna fight tonight

Well folks, I just went through and read all of my posts from this year, and boy oh boy was it depressing. This blog has just become a sporadic repository for all my whiny rants, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve focused on my personal and negative issues too much, and it’s not helping anyone – if anything it’s probably frightening any of my friends that still read it.

So me and Short Pants Romance are going to have a trial separation. We might just live apart for a while until we can learn to live together peacefully. We may get back together, which will be good news for the two people that read it. But for now we just need to take a little break.

Until then, I’m going to focus my happy thoughts on
woolybully.tumblr.com.

Happy new year everyone, let’s all try to make it a good one. Peace on earth, goodwill toward men, yada yada yada.