it’s like riding a bicycle
Although I don’t think I’ve gotten on a bike in probably two years, I did ok tonight. It was probably the fourth time I’ve ever practiced, and I was surprised at how quickly I was able to pick up where I left off. I still have a long way to go as far as feeling comfortable, but I’m able to start much more easily, and go for a considerable amount of time without getting nervous and skidding to a stop. I’m also getting a little better at steering.
The issue is that I feel more comfortable when my feet have better contact with the ground, but that means the seat needs to be down so low that my knees have to come up super high, which makes for a wobbly ride, and the tight jeans I was wearing didn’t help my leg mobility at all. At some point I need to make the switch to a bike that fits me better (I’ve been riding Greg’s BMX). But I have a feeling that I might take a couple of spills if I can’t touch the ground that well.
Still, making great progress toward a goal that I was beginning to think I’d never be able to reach!
i don’t want to get over you
I really can’t get Melanie out of my head. Just when I’ve forgotten about it, the thought comes rushing back. It’s that feeling of, “I’m feeling ok right now but for some reason I think I shouldn’t be, but I can’t think of why….oh right…because Melanie died.” And then I feel a little sad. And then it sinks in that I will never be able to read her journal again, and she’ll never have any more adventures to follow, and she’s this beautiful amazing girl who’s just gone. And it’s even more strange that I didn’t really know her that well, because it confuses my feelings even more. I’m actually very upset, but it’s very difficult to explain to anyone that I’m upset because this girl that I only really knew through her LiveJournal died. And it’s not like I read it every day, but periodically I would always go back to see what she was up to and how her treatment was going. She’s been a recurring theme in my life that probably no one was aware of because I didn’t mention her much. So it’s probably hard for my friends and family to understand why this would upset me so much.
I think I feel terrible because she was someone I was really rooting for. I was rooting for her in the beginning, that she would be happy in New Zealand, and prove that you can make things work. And then I was rooting for her throughout her treatment. But to be honest, I wasn’t really all that *worried* about her, because I just always thought she’d make it. I guess I watch too many movies, where the person who’s willing to fight always wins in the end. But the truth is life is harsh and doesn’t make sense, the good guy doesn’t usually win, and God isn’t necessarily going to step in when we need him.
All I can see in my head is this picture of her with a huge smile on her face, just looking like someone who loves life. I know so many people who don’t love life (myself included sometimes), so to find someone who genuinely does is always so inspiring to me, and makes it seem all the more unfair. And to think that a few weeks ago, she was standing there with a huge grin on her face, ready to face any challenges and beat them. And now she’s gone. Just slipped away, cruelly. I really can barely get it through my head.
I was reading through her journal last night, through all the entries about her treatment. There are all these entries about their plans for the future, how they were moving to a new house, and eventually they were considering going to Australia, and all sorts of other small plans she was excited about. And there’s this one from March of ‘08, after her cancer was almost in remission, and it just broke my heart:
“I’m very grateful that my cancer has an end. I’m very aware that many people aren’t as lucky as I am. They make the best of years in treatment, or are worried by thoughts of reoccurrence for years afterwards. Although there is always a chance that my cancer will come back (a high 50% chance if I believed in statistics) I do believe that this is it for me. I believe I am cured, I have cheated death as someone said today……..But I am glad that it is nearly over. 2 more days. I try to stay in the present, but can’t help but think about the future. And it looks really bright.”
To think that less than a year later she would be gone is so heartbreaking. For her personally, I feel so sad. I feel so sad for the people who were close to her, who must be inconsolable to lose such a wonderful person with so much potential. And for myself, to lose such a role model. And symbolically, it just feels like if someone like her can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have?
sad
I found out from Casey today that Melanie passed away. I am in such shock right now.
Melanie used to work at Urban a few years back, and I knew her a bit. She was always very sweet but I didn’t work directly with her, so I never got to know her very well. She wound up leaving Urban and moving to New Zealand with her then fiance. That was so incredible to me, to be so brave that you could pick up and move to the other side of the world, away from all of your family and friends. I was so impressed that I began to read her LiveJournal, and realized what a wonderful person she was. She got married, started up a computer repair company with her husband, and just seemed so positive and happy. To me that was the ultimate inspiration, someone who had an idea that they wanted to move somewhere and change their life, and just did it. And succeeded! And then she was diagnosed with Leukemia. And she was *still* so positive. She wrote so normally about these things that would terrify me. But she was always focused on the next step, whatever she needed to do seemed just fine. And through the ups and downs of her illness, it seemed that every time she was feeling better, she was out on some sort of adventure with amazing pictures to show. Not the standard hiding in your house waiting to die, which is what I’d probably be doing.
After going into remission, the cancer returned a few months ago, and she was going through treatment. She always seemed so ready, willing and able that I think it never really occurred to me that she might actually die. In her final post from the end of January, there’s a picture of her standing with her mom looking so happy, and she’s writing about how she’d lost weight and needs to get back into shape. And then today I found out she’s gone.
I called Casey, who was very close with her, and talked for a few minutes. We talked about how it’s really not fair, that she was such a fit, healthy, and positive person, that things like this shouldn’t happen to people like her. We both agreed that some of the things we were saying sounded like they’re straight out of a movie, but that’s really how it feels. She was just one of those people who you’d never forget. I mean, I barely even knew her and she’s had a big effect on my life. When I’m trying to be courageous or buck myself up, I literally always picture her, and ask myself what would Melanie do? And now she’s gone, and I think about her husband Brian, and her family, and wonder how they go on from here. How do you get over your amazing and beautiful wife dying at 26 years old?
I just don’t know. This world just doesn’t make any sense to me sometimes.
the rules of the mail
I came up with a new rule to help me with this resolution, and I thought it was pretty ingenious, thankyouverymuch:
When I walk in the door, I cannot take my coat off until I have opened and sorted all my mail from that day.
I’m not sure how this will work come summer when there are no more coats, but hopefully by then I’ll already be in the habit and will have crossed this off my list long before.
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