1. Yesterday afternoon I was drunk with the idea of all the things I’d do with Greg gone this weekend. Projects to be worked on, books to be read, movies to be watched, people to see. Now it’s Saturday night and I’ve basically done almost nothing.
2. It remains a mystery to me how easily friendship seems to come to most people. I went for a walk through the neighborhood earlier and I was completely surrounded by people having a grand time with all of their friends, while I strolled alone through the streets, no one giving me a second glance. Don’t get me wrong, I like my alone time. It’s a little more palatable to think of myself as “a loner” – I like to read books, get lost in my thoughts, work on projects around the house, go for walks. But Saturday night alone feels so sad. And there are also times when Greg is away and I relish the idea of drinking wine and watching a movie he would never agree to, but tonight just wasn’t one of those times.
I just don’t understand how people get to the point where they actually have people who reach out to them and ask them to get together. I have this vision of everyone else in the world getting a flurry of texts and calls at any given point from Saturday afternoon on, carrying invitations to crowded house parties and dancing at fun clubs and art openings. And that’s not counting all the random bumping into each other that results in fun times. I’ve just never had that experience. Friendship has always come hard for me. Sure plenty of people seem to like me, and I could certainly have made the first move and reached out to several different people, but my point is that come Saturday night, I doubt there’s anyone out there thinking, “Hey I wonder what Kate is doing tonight?” And if they are they aren’t calling to find out. Ah well.
3. I always lament the fact that I’ve never been the type of girl to get hit on by guys – guys have always tended to only be interested in me after hanging out as friends for weeks or months until my winning personality finally converts them and they have that Some Kind of Wonderful moment where they think, “Hey, maybe she *is* kind of cute”. Of course it’s neither here nor there, since I’ve basically been in relationships for the past eighteen years straight. But still, it would just be nice to know that I can put asses in the seats. Except then when I *do* actually get hit on, I remember that in fact it feels incredibly creepy and sad, and the types of guys who hit on girls at bars are not the types of guys I would ever be interested in. Well and also that whole thing about being married.
4. It’s probably better that I’m having a lonely Saturday night, as my liver really needs a rest.
5. Last night I did actually hang out with some lady friends whom I haven’t seen in a while. They’re the sorts of ladies who actually read The New Yorker and books by difficult authors and keep up with politics and have CSA memberships and do charity work and are generally much smarter than I am. And I remembered how much I love being around intellectually challenging people.