on beauty

Why does everything feel so much like opening a can of worms?  I was at the book store last week and there was a huge table of art books that I couldn’t even open because I felt like I just couldn’t deal with having another thing in my life that I’m interested in but don’t have time to learn about. Also, I tend to pigeonhole myself into the things I think I like.  It’s tough to explain, but I have a set list of things in my head that I identify as needing to seek out – whether it be visual, knowledge-based, etc, and there’s no room for anything additional.  Probably easier to give you an example.  I love Lena Corwin’s blog, because she has amazing taste.  The things she posts, whether they’re products or just photos, are so beautiful, but I wouldn’t think to post them.  Like she’ll post a picture of a plant in a window.  Now if I were going to post a photo on a blog, my first instinct is that is has to be REALLY GREAT, the BEST picture of a plant in a window that I’ve EVER seen.  Like good enough to merit posting on a blog.  So I’d overlook a simple photo of a plant in a window as not being worthy of paying all that much attention to.  But here she pulls it out and puts it front and center, so you really see it, and take note of it.  She sees these simple everyday things as beautiful enough to say, “Hey, stop and look at this because it’s beautiful in its simplicity.”  Or she’ll post a photo of a navajo rug.  Now me, I’m not all that into the southwest native american look, but mainly because I’ve put that entire style into the “not my cup of tea” column of my likes and dislikes chart. But when she posts it, I love it.  Maybe not to put in my house, but I can look at it and say, “That looks beautiful.”  But it’s as if I do have this chart of likes and dislikes, and I only get one page for that list, so everything’s got to fit on there.  “No room for navajo rugs because modern graphic rugs are already on the list and I like those better.”  I have this irrational fear that if I love too many things my ability to love will decrease.

I think it all somehow ties back to my ultimate Jessie Spano-esque attitude of “There’s not enough time!!” panic.  Not enough time in this life to get done what you want to get done, not enough time to find your true calling, not enough time to let yourself like too many things.  

I need to just relax and realize that liking things and letting beauty in, even if it’s just ephemeral, can only be good.  

slowly coming back to life

For the past month or so, I’ve been up to my ears in work, diets, exercise, and other non-fun things. I’m going to be honest, my job isn’t normally all that stressful, and most of the time I’m not very busy. Which means usually I’ve got enough free time during the day to keep up with all my Bloglines entries. (p.s. If you’re not using Bloglines, I really recommend it – I like it so much more than Google Reader).

However, last month someone on my team quit, and I’ve had to pick up the slack until her replacement starts. Hence I’ve been working later and don’t seem to have an extra five minutes during the day to peek at my beloved blogs. Added to this, I’ve been trying to diet and exercise, which is incredibly time consuming in itself, so even after-work time isn’t fun anymore. For the past month or so, I’ve felt so downtrodden. I don’t cook any good meals, I haven’t had time to write in my blog or my personal journal, my poor craft room has been completely ignored, and I’m lucky if I can read a book in bed for ten minutes before I conk out. (I also realize I’m a giant baby, and most people are much busier than this their whole lives)

Then I actually had a leisurely weekend, and I feel soooo much better. I spent some time with Greg, did some cleaning, hemmed and hung some new curtains. I decided that strict diets are not the thing for me at the moment, and I’m better off just eating light and getting out for brisk evening walks than choking down bland chicken. And most importantly, I started catching up on blog reading. It’s funny, because I feel so dead and closed off when I’m not keeping up with them. As soon as I start skimming through all of those beautiful photos and crafty ideas, I start to feel alive again. My creative pulse starts beating, and I practically get butterflies in my stomach. I can’t WAIT to get home and try this or that, I remember how nice it is to have a tidy house with no dishes in the sink, and I feel like making a nice tasty meal isn’t just a chore, it’s an exercise in beauty and meditation.

I still have several thousand more entries to get through before I’m caught up, but already I’m feeling unburdened and excited about life again! And I realize that maybe no matter how busy I am at work, I need to carve out a few minutes to look at some pretty things, for my sanity’s sake.